I was talking with someone who was sharing some terrible things that had happened during his childhood, the type that seems out of a movie involving all sorts of abuse and neglect by his parents and their circle of friends and relatives. He himself was having an epiphany about how much he still wanted to be saved by someone, and the feeling of knowing there was something wrong and not being able to change it because all of his surroundings told him otherwise. I mean, this is a man in his early sixties, who has had a family, and is somewhat successful at what he does.
I often feel that one of the most important things someone can give anyone, but particularly children, is love - yet it is easier said than done. Then there is the question, how many parents were actually held and loved by their own parents? I mean really loved and respected as human beings, games aside. How many parents are mature enough to be parents? There is no instruction manual and even in the most 'loving and caring' of situations, I'm sure things are never perfect. It takes a lot of maturity for anyone to reach this level of loving and caring, children involved or not. And then, there are all these stories of bad abuse, really bad, intentional abuse and neglect, like with the person I was talking to.
We were all children once. We grew up wanting - and needing - to be protected and looked up at adults for that. What happens when the adults are as childish (or more) as the children? What happens when adults haven't found that part inside that is still looking to be protected? What happens when adults are still children in adult bodies?
That's when the light bulb above my head lit up. I suddenly saw this world full of people all sharing this vulnerability inside, manifested and expressed in different forms. We fight with each other, for silly things, we put up our defenses, knowingly or not, because we think someone is going to hurt us, take advantage of us, etc..., we judge ourselves and others, unaware that our judgment says more about us than about the others. At times, particularly the difficult ones, we look around at others trying to find a way, a direction, a hand that will hold us, even someone that will tell us, with all certainty, 'it is going to be ok'. We search for teachers, leaders of all types, that special person that will give us confidence, that one that seems wise and knowledgeable and together. But, who of all people is 'the one', the one that will really lead the way. Is there one?
We look around at others for this protection, this sense that when things are really bad, someone is going to be there to hold us and guide us. .. But who guides them? What guides them? What's going to break the circle of mistrust? We are all vulnerable, there is no one. We share this, no one escapes it. It is part of being human.
Some religions have been very successful at playing this game... and at the end of the day, it is only up to the individual to grow up and mature and find his or her own way, without waiting for someone to save him/her, but at the same time trusting that there is something else, something deep inside to follow, a sense of inner truth and peace - and knowing that we all share this uncertainty.
The issue is not so much what happens as a child, but what of that remains in adulthood. We are to certain extent, as a friend would say, 'blind following the blind...'.
Before I move unto other wordly endeavors I remember the words of Arnaud Desjardins (as quoted by Mariana Caplan) "There is no sin, there is only childishness."
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